Know what you want.
Before having the conversation, and regardless of what happens during it, Sanders recommends you go in knowing what you want out of it-whether it’s proof, answers, saying your piece, breaking up, or going to couples’ therapy for a resolution. “Don’t confront without a plan, or the conversation is going to go on forever,” she adds. “Do what gives you closure. They made their choice, and you’re free to make yours too.”
If you had the conversation with your boyfriend and found out he wasn’t being unfaithful, this might be the opportunity to look inward. If he wasn’t cheating, that doesn’t mean that everything is magically better and that your emotional state will go back to normal. Your concern about this indicates there are issues in the relationship that need to be addressed, which could be attributed to their distant or changing behavior or one of your insecurities.
“If you’ve already done all the digging possible and you find absolutely nothing to indicate that your partner is cheating but can’t shake the idea that they are, it may be something that you need to work on on your own,” Sanders says.
“Sometimes we carry betrayal trauma and attachment trauma into our romantic relationships. It’s very human of you, and it’s OK, but you have to heal that trauma in order for it not to taint and cloud your relationships,” she says. “Finding a good counselor who specializes in attachment, emotionally focused therapy, or internal family systems can help you do exactly that.”
What do you do when you suspect your boyfriend is cheating?
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If you suspect your partner is cheating on you, it’s important to inspect your own internal biases and begin taking an inventory of their behavior. Notice when they do something out of the ordinary, and when you feel ready, bring up your concerns to have your boyfriend address directly.
How does a guy act after he cheated?
Each person is different, so each person will react differently in this situation. It may vary wildly from acting totally normal to changing their behavior to be a better boyfriend or suddenly picking fights with you for no reason. It’s important to pay attention to chronic and consistent shifts in their behavior, and then bring up what you’re noticing and fearing as soon as you can so the fears can be effectively addressed.
How can you tell if your boyfriend is lying about cheating?
It starts by becoming curious about their behavior and taking stock of growing signs that point to infidelity in the relationship like the list above. Look out for patterns that reveal they may be cheating on you. Just know that policing their behavior to gather evidence can only go far. The healthiest approach is also the only way you will know the answer, which is by having a conversation with them. As you’re talking to them, notice their body language and any attempts to avert the conversation with deflection and denial.
Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true?
“Nope, sometimes cheating is really a one-and-done situation,” Sanders says. “Some people feel so much hurt and regret after cheating that it’s all the lesson they need to never do it again. However, if someone cheats more than once, that becomes a pattern, and patterns are very hard to break.”
The takeaway.
If you think your boyfriend is physically or emotionally cheating, the feeling can be difficult to pinpoint. The erosion of trust can happen slowly and imperceptibly until one day, you look up and realize your partner has become a stranger. Instead of fervent closeness, there’s now an ocean of distance and unsaid emotions in between.